Rancho Relaxo

Gratuitous Other-Horn-Tooting

2007-04-02T12:28:00.000-03:00

After many months of hard work and meetings, House-mate Robbie has laid his hands on his freshly minted books. He is now a bona fide book publishing machine, and the first three products look fantastic. Keep an eye out for them in local bookstores and an ear out for book readings, launches and other events around town soon.

***

House-mate Jadie sewed House-pet Scrapperton a pillow of catnip. I should have doubled up the fabric, because even with trimmed claws the little bugger managed to bite/claw through the thick cotton to get his fix. It took all of twenty minutes for the pillow to go from off-white to dark yellow. That would be his third substance abused.

***

New shelves were put up above our eventual bar in the dining room.

***

Recent recording activity by Rod has been recording an acoustic demo for Jadie's sister, Kaya, who visited last month, and some tracks for the Crimson Tides, which are ongoing.

Recent band activity by Rod has been intermittent with a new project, yet unnamed, and an old project, Pop Secret.

Recent band activity by Jadie has been continued guitar lessons, writing and the formation of a group with Leanne, a fellow North-Ender.

Scrappy has started to play the piano.

Gratuitous self horn tooting

2006-11-19T10:07:00.000-04:00

I've recorded my first number one hit album. The Stolen Minks ep Family Boycott, of which I recorded five out of the eight songs and mixed two others, has reached the top of the Canadian campus radio charts this week.

I'm pretty excited about this, though I feel that honestly I can take very little of the credit--they would have gone number one no matter where they had recorded their album. Congrats, Minks!

It's also worth noting that Ranch alumnus B.A. Johnston has been doing very well on the charts as well, currently sitting at number 7 with his album Call Me When Old And Fat Is The New Young And Sexy. It's the seventh week on the charts. Well done Christian.

Nothing like a half-assed handyman session...

2006-11-06T17:48:00.000-04:00

...to make me feel like I've stuck it to the man. The man in this case being the GE repair centre.

Backing up a little bit, I've had this GE washing machine for a little over nine years. It's endured thousands of loads, two moves, and a lot of loose change. In other words, it doesn't owe me a lot. Last week, I tossed in a load, set it and went about my business. When I came down a couple hours later, I opened the washer up to find that the agitator and come completely off the drive spindle in the centre of the tub. What. The. Not only that, but the top of it (the largely useless to me fabric softener dish. Really though, who uses liquid fabric softener during the wash cycle?) had been rubbing up against the edge of the tub so much that there are now massive knife-wound-like gashes in it, rendering it more useless than ever.

Okay, easy fix, I think. Just put it back on the spliney drive spindle, and we're up and running again, right? Right. It turns out that this particular model has a bolt that keeps the agitator in place. This bolt had come loose and was now rattling around inside the agitator. You'd think they would make the agitator in such a way that taking it apart would be easy, but no. There's a bottom piece that is held in place by eight very solid and not easily pressed tabs. The fin parts that spin around seem to be connected to the rest of the agitator by magic. After several attempts to open it up, I gave up, defeated.

Not having a washing machine presents a serious problem, particularly if you like wearing clean clothes. We're all pretty big fans of clean clothes here at the ranch. This had the potential to make the great shower repair incident of 2006 seem trivial by comparison. Hey at least back in February I could go to Jade's place to shower, and Robbie could go to Tiina's. But now...where could we find anywhere that has laundry facilities? NOWHERE! Really, somebody should get on that. I bet if you set up some kind of establishment where many people could do laundry for a small fee, it would be very popular. You could make a killing! I digress.

I called the GE repair service. I knew that it would be a simple repair given the right tool. Open up the agitator, get that damn bolt, and screw it back onto the drive, right? Done! Five minutes and we're in clean laundry again. It turns out that repairs for GE appliances are handled by a company called MABE. As in, MAyBE we can help you out. Upon talking with Mr. MABE, I learned that it would cost $80 just to have somebody look at it! And then on top of that is the cost of the repair itself! I doubt the washer is even worth more than $50 were I to sell it. And he said since it was so old, they might have to send a specialist over and order fancy tools! So old? Nine years is old? Has washing machine technology advanced so much in the past decade that my machine is now obsolete?

Forget you pal! That night, I went home, took some epoxy and glued that fucker back to the drive shaft. Problem solved. Total cost: zero.

Sure, I've pretty much guaranteed that if anything ever goes wrong with it ever again that it's unfixable, but who cares. Live for the moment! Wear clean clothes!

2006-09-28T13:39:00.000-03:00

Our four-legged roommate "hunted" and then "devoured" a pear this morning. That crazy Scrapperton is out of control! At least his hunting intentions are right, even if he only goes after inanimate objects in our fruit bowl.

Welcome To The Ranch

2006-09-03T21:47:00.000-03:00

You know what's better than writing about what goes on at Northwood Ranch? Being too busy having fun doing stuff that there's no time to write about it!

Well okay it's not like we live in like uh...some kind of magical land of nothing-but-awesomeness-24-7, but life is pretty good.

For starters, we have a new member of the household! Welcome to the ranch Jadie. After being a long-term welcome any time visitor, Jade has now gained full resident status. Hurrah!

This does mean that we'll be saying goodbye to Christian, but he'll live on in our hearts. And all of his worldly posessions will live on in the attic for the next few months while he's on tour and looking for an apartment. So in a way, it's like he's never left. We're certainly going to miss B.A., but what we lose in dry cynicism and an endless supply of cheese pizza will be more than made up for by goodbye hugs in the morning, kisses when I get home from work, and a beautiful woman with whom I can fall asleep next to every night. As much as I like Christian I don't think he and I would have ever reached that stage in our relationship.

Unfortunately, we'll be saying goodbye to someone else soon as well. We've had the pleasure of looking after Uzi (Oozy? Oouzzee? I don't know), the feline member of Northwood East. Uzi is just a lovely cat and watching the shenanigans that she and Scrapperton have gotten into over the past week and a half has been nonstop entertainment. But the Stolen Minks are returning from their tour tonight, and I'm pretty sure those kids are going to want some kitty lovin' right away. Goodbye girl, come back and visit soon!

Robbie's been doing plenty fine as well. He's turned into a regular bicycle fixing machine, having done up a second sweet fixed gear bike for himself, working on a nice ride for Tiina across the street, and volunteering at Bike Again fixing bicycles up for people who could use a bike but don't have the cash to buy one. Rob: great all around guy, and awesome roommate. And, now he's working at the library in Spryfield! I'm pretty sure that within another week's time, every kid that goes in there will be treating him like a hero and worshipping the ground he walks on. They'll all be like, "when I grow up, I'm going to get tattoos and piercings just like you, Rob!" Congrats on the new job, and good luck subverting the minds of today's youth.

And the recording business continues to do well. The Stolen Minks cd was finished just in time for their tour, Cobrato's ep is in the vault (CD release date: sept 21st!), and Juan Love's full length (of which I recorded two songs) is now available for purchase. Yay me! Apologies to The Tragedies for not being able to fit them into the recording schedule. Next time.

Music For Relaxing

2006-05-11T19:57:00.000-03:00

Tonight was to be the debut of Cobrato at Gus' Pub. But then I got a fever. And then Spencer got sick. I'm feeling not bad now, and Spen was willing to make a go of it, but then Dave came down with a wicked flu that has kept him in bed all day. So, we'll have to wait until next time to take the city by storm. Oh well, flus happen.

In other news, Rob's doing a-ok. I have been remiss in mentioning his new business on this page though. That's right, Rob is now a publisher. Basically, it just means that he now struts around in a snazzy pinstripe suit, bosses people around and has lots of money to spend. Oh sure, everyone thinks he's on top of the world, but you don't hear him talking in his sleep, all alone, late at night. "Rosebud....."

Oh wait, it's not like that at all. Check out Invisible Publishing to find out more.

Christian is still on tour. Or dead. Or maybe just dead tired. I'm going to assume no news is good news. Sadly, Laura's time with us is all too short. She accepted a job in Toronto and won't be coming back. Unless she changes her mind. You just never know with that zany Laura.

And Scrapperton is great. He's no longer a kitten, not yet a tomcat. More accurately, we got him neutered, like the conscientious dads that we are.

And in general, life is great at the ranch. Lots of recording going on, lots of practicing, and lots of bicycle repair. Robbie finished up Jaime's (of Northwood East) snazzy robin egg blue 1-gear ride, and he's been working on another one. For Tiina I think (also of Northwood East). And Jade and I painted up her free bike (courtesy of Young Phoenix). Gold. Solid freakin' gold. It looks awesome.

All the latest news

2006-03-03T10:34:00.000-04:00

Here's a general update style post.

A warm welcome to the newest member of the ranch is long overdue. Everyone say hello to Laura! She flew across the entire country just to be with her man on Valentine's day. Très romantique, oui? I wasn't there when she arrived, but I can picture the conversation when she got here:

Laura: It's great to see you, but I've been on a plane for eight hours. I feel gross. What I could really use right now is a nice hot bath.
Christian: uh yeah...about that...

She and Christian aren't sure how much longer they'll both be staying at the ranch however; plans are up in the air at the moment. Will they stay? Will they find a place of their own? Will they just up and leave Halifax altogether and settle down on a commune in New Brunswick? Or will they decide to live on a Grayhound bus for the next four months? Stay tuned!

Rob has been sick the past couple of days. He is currently accepting donations of comfort food, juice, and other clear liquids. Poor little guy, all chilly and flu-like. Somebody get him some vegan chicken soup soon!

Scrapperton is awesome, but his popularity and good looks are starting to go to his head. Now he's all "Mew, give me food now! Mew, I want to sit on your laptop! Mew, I want to chew through every freaking telephone cord and guitar patch cord I can get my teeth on! Mew Mew Mew!" So demanding.

The bathroom is complete. We can shower again! Unfortunately, new tiles don't really match either the old tiles or the mauve paint on the walls. So a paint job is in order, maybe some more tiles. Funny how one renovation inevitably leads to three more. But screw that for now. I can handle clashing colours for a little while.

Apologies Are Due

2006-03-01T09:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Wax Mannequin:

I'm sorry that I had to lean over your head this morning to unplug my laptop from the wall. But honestly, I had no idea that you'd be crashing on my couch. I hope I didn't freak you out too much.

This looks like a man who is not easily freaked out. I suspect he's fine. (Photo by dmc)

Lesson Learned:

2006-02-10T12:32:00.000-04:00

CLR is a skin irritant. Yep.

In other news, bathroom tiles have arrived! Woot! Soon my bathroom will be transformed from this:

To this:

Northwood Ranch Achieves New Levels of Uncleanliness!

2006-02-07T10:54:00.000-04:00

It's been two weeks since renovations began in the bathroom. Two weeks without a useable shower. It's getting to us. Nerves are on edge, so are olfactory systems. We are three bachelors and a cat. We are contaminated by our own filth. And there is no end in sight.

Figure 1: Naked walls, where you would more typically expect to see a naked person.

Figure 2: A close-up. Drywall, plaster, and insulation combine to form something that probably isn't good for you.

Oh, I kid. Thanks to the kindness of friends, girlfriends, and the gym, we're keeping clean. But sadly, the no end sight part seems to be ringing true. Where the hell are those tiles I ordered? The were supposed to be in last week! And then they were supposed to be in yesterday! I can't take another week of this! None of the blame can be placed upon Howard the handyman however; he's been doing a thorough and all around excellent job. His drywall work is exceptional. More pictures to come.

Tiles and Tribulations

2006-01-24T14:01:00.000-04:00

So, who wants to go shopping with me for new tiles for the shower? Where do you even buy tiles? Kent's selection was sucky to nonexistant, and Home Depot's web site doesn't have much either. I hope there's actually more in the store. These guys make gorgeous ceramic tiles, but they don't have a Canadian distributor. Grr.

Photos of mass bathroom destruction to follow!

Fighting For Your Love!

2005-12-10T17:40:00.000-04:00

You can do one of two things tonight:

hoboaid.
the porcelain gods
b.a. johnston
laura peek and the winning hearts
the just barelys

gus pub-sat dec 10
5$ or 3$ with food drive donation.
please no creamed corn. hoboes like cans of beans best.

Or........

The Khyber Holiday Toast
it's a three-floor-style party! maybe our last one ever!

A/V
Death By Nostalgia
Jeff Coll 5

where: Khyber
when: Saturday
how much: $5 (benefits go to the khyber centre for the arts)

Also featuring:

**the annual members' show & sale in the ballroom gallery (nibble on nibblies and buy some art)

**in the Turret Room: Jessica Whyte, Kristina Parlee, Johnston Farrow, and other local djs playing carefully chosen records for your dancing pleasure

**become a member of the Holy Family with Authentic Nativity Scene Polaroid Portraits (also in the Turret Room)

You want my advice? Stop in at Gus' for a bit on the way down to the Khyber. But be at the Khyber by 11:00 or you'll miss the magic that is Jeff Coll 5.

Like Fire And Ice

2005-11-30T13:38:00.000-04:00

It's a full house again at the old Ranch. Christian is back from his touring, Rob is uhm...he never left. And I'm here.

And it's great to have ol' BA back in the hizzy. Hizzouse. House. Yeah, the house. For one thing, I can now enjoy his witty television-directed insults, rather than always feeling obligated to supply my own. And, season two of Arrested Development. Oh my yes. The man with impeccable taste in DVD box sets has done it again.

And for those of you who have ever doubted that deep down under that cynical, gruff exterior lies an old softie, BA admitted the other day that Scrapperton is "pretty cute." He's also confessed to making sure not to step on little Scrappy when he runs around under foot. I think those two are going to get along just fine.

Newsflash: Only one week left for submissions to Rocking The Stocking Vol. II! In a band? Preferably a band that I know and like? Want to contribute a song for this Christmas/misc. holiday charity compilation? Then do it! Do it now! Originals and traditional/covers are both welcome! Want to contribute but have no means of recording? Not a problem, I can record you at the ranch! Get in touch with me and we'll set something up! For more details, check the thread on Halifaxlocals.

Northwood Ranch achieves new levels of adorable!

2005-11-20T23:11:00.000-04:00

Say hello to our newest household member, Scrapperton!

(aka Paperclip aka Thom Yorke aka Thomperclorke aka Rumblefish aka Scraps aka Scrappy aka Pooperton)

aww look! He's waving at you!!!

...ahem. In order to keep the house blog from being annoyingly cute to non-cat-lovers, all future pictures of li'l brudder will be posted on the lovely Halicatslocals (unless it's specifically relevant to a house-related story). Go there now! Nonstop cuteness!

ps: Rock the vote!

Cast your vote!

2005-11-17T00:13:00.000-04:00

Do you have an account on halifaxlocals? If you do, be sure to cast your vote in the "Best House/Collective" poll on the messageboard!

Note that I didn't write "vote for Rancho Relaxo". Nope, I just want people to exercise their democratic right. That way everybody wins! (except SWACville.)

Voting takes place here.

Rob attains awesome status

2005-11-02T00:44:00.000-04:00

Step 1: pitch in on the weekend with all of the household chores to make the ranch a place of clean livin'.
Step 2: make not one, but two kickass meals and tell me that I'm welcome to have some.

Woot!

A New Season of Reality Blogovision!

2005-09-27T14:11:00.000-03:00

And a new cast of characters! Make that just one new character (Rob will be added once I find out his e-mail address), one original character, and the occasional appearance of a summer season charachter!

And now a poll: Christian was back in town for a couple of days two weekends ago. Hilarity and police investigations ensued. Should I write about it? (please note that B.A. can exercise the notwithstanding clause on this one if he prefers to keep the events out of the public eye, although I do promise to keep it lighthearted and amusing and not use an accusitory tone.)

Check Out My New Blog

2005-08-08T10:19:00.000-03:00

Death By Nostalgia is on tour!

NW Ranch Now Accepting Gifts!

2005-07-25T10:35:00.000-03:00

We here at Northwood Ranch are well aware of our second-rate popularity behind the awesomeness that is Team Willow. But don't let that stop you from giving us cool anonymous gifts of food and/or toys. (NB: neither of us eat meat, and Christian doesn't really eat vegetables either. But I can eat his vegetables.)

I don't think you're a bad person for eating meat...

2005-07-22T02:13:00.000-03:00

I just don't want to see or smell it.

I'm sorry.

Labour Report Part 3

2005-07-21T13:26:00.000-03:00

So if I go on strike....autumn Death By Nostalgia tour! I win!

Labour Report Part 2

2005-07-11T18:12:00.000-03:00

Now I'm faced with a dilemma. The Treasury Board of Canada (the people who sign the paycheques of most federal civil servants like me) has offered a new contract to the union that essentially amounts to a 2% cut in pay. This is pretty unacceptable, but on the other hand I'm not exactly in a position where I can afford to be on strike for any length of time. I get paid reasonably well, but certainly nowhere near what a similar job in the private sector would pay (but I also don't have to work the insane hours that I might face if I went private.) Do I vote to accept or reject the offer?

B.A. Johnston: Your life is good these days

2005-07-08T11:48:00.000-03:00

Congratulations to Christian for finishing up with his job yesterday. No reported cases of food poisoning, no deaths at the hands of a disgruntled fry/prep cook. Huzzah!

Congratulations also for maintining the upper hand in last night's duel with Mary. You proved you're a man without hurting your opponent. It's a fine line to walk when fighting girls, and you went all Johnny Cash on that shit outside Gus'.

And finally, have fun at Shoreline; bring back lots of free beer for me.

Northwood Ranch invades Republic of Gus!

2005-06-27T14:29:00.000-03:00

This thursday, Northwood's Minister of Cheap Beer and Cheese Pizza will be playing a show at Gus' Pub. Northwood's de facto president/Minister In Charge of Commenting On How the Bathroom Needs a Cleaning will also be on stage at Gus' as a part of the Pop Secret ensemble.

Also on the bill is Zon, a band that is unrelated to the ranch in any way. It is my understanding that Zon is like your mom, except that they have no shame (us), nor do they believe in God (win). If you know what I mean.

B.A. must be stopped. Look at those eyes. Pure evil lives within.

It's Unanimous

2005-06-25T16:33:00.000-03:00

Tom Cruise is a complete douchebag.

"Oh my life, what a mess"

2005-06-20T16:35:00.000-03:00

So says B.A.

But on the plus side, I have been working on some song ideas for him over the past week. It seems he's had a bit of a writer's block lately, and I offered to assist.

Victor Syperek: Dick, or Asshole?

Ex-Girlfriends Fight, Fight For My Love!

My Dick Is 15" Limp.

"Have You Read My Lindsay Lohan Fan Fiction Yet?"

M.I.L.F. (Man, I Love Food)

Jonathan Frakes Is Doing Voice-Over Commentary For My Real Life Adventures.

There Is Only One Reason Why I'm Going To See That Dukes Of Hazard Movie.

It's Probably Too Late For Me To Start Reading The Bible.

The first three ideas came from a late-night brainstorming session I had with the man himself. One or both of us had a few drinks at that point. The remainder were titles/concepts that I felt B.A. should be singing about. I don't know if he'll actually use any of the ideas; certainly not until he finishes his concept e.p. (and he makes fun of me for listening to Genesis. Bah.) So that's where you come in: you need to vote for your favourite song idea/name. Vote often! Let Mr. Johnston know that his adoring crowd wants to hear these ideas come to fruition!

Labour Standards. Hah!

2005-05-30T23:04:00.000-03:00

Okay, so a post or two ago I mentioned that Christian complains about his job. He's winning me over, because yeah, he seems to be getting the shaft an awful lot at work these days. The funny thing is, his employer isn't doing a thing wrong from a strictly legal sense. And we have Nova Scotia's archaic labour laws to thank for this. Minimum wage: $6.50 an hour. Breaks (coffee and lunch) are at the employer's discretion--there's no provision for them in the standard. No definition for what constitutes "full-time" hours. You have to work a whopping 48 hours before you get into overtime territory. Nice. I'm off to count my blessings now. (Number one: cushy government job.)

Did B.A. Johnston Fart?

2005-05-21T17:42:00.000-03:00

No. He did not. But something in that chili he made seems to be having an effect on me.

So far Christian's turning out to be a pretty good roommate. He lets me eat his food, said that I could have some of his beer (he bought a two-four for the two-four weekend), and doesn't leave much in the way of mess around the house. And last night he provided endless fodder for the Stolen Minks to make fun of during their recording session (they kid because they love. And because they were all drinking.) The only downside is that he complains about his job a lot. But hey, I've been known to do my fair share of work-bitching as well, so I can overlook that.

So thumbs up for Mr. Johnston. Now start posting, you lazy fat chud.

New Recruit!

2005-05-04T12:08:00.000-03:00

Welcome back. I plan on making more regular posts (how many times have infrequent bloggers made that promise. Well this time it's true. Except quite possibly not true.) The reason? Because I know you love to be entertained by the inner goings on of life at the Ranch. And because I have a new roommate! It promises to be a fun and eventful summer. Originally I said yes to him moving in because I thought he had a helper monkey, but apparently certain stories have been greatly exaggerated. No sign of a deep fat fryer either. But lots of DVD box sets of TV shows! woo! Last night I got my first taste of Mr. Show. Great stuff, until the DVD started freezing and skipping. When I took it out I discovered some kind of gooey substance on the bottom of the DVD. Some things are best not to think about.

I'm hoping that Christian will start posting here as well. Then he can start dishing stuff out about me as well. Like how I have created Mount Shirtsnpants in the laundry room. Or my tendency to mumble meaningless things (and often repeat them several times) in the shower. Or he could always just write a bunch of songs about me.

Rebecca gives notice

2005-03-29T23:08:00.000-04:00

Great news! If you act now, you can have your pick of bedrooms....do you want the yellow and green wallpapered room, or the room with the adorable puppy dog border? (note, if neither decor suits you, wallpaper can be removed.)

Wendy Gives Notice

2005-03-27T23:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, fine. If you're not going to spill the beans on your New York adventure, I want you out of this house by the end of April.

Oh wait, I forgot, you're already leaving in mid-April! We'll miss you! We'll miss li'l Poopster too!

If anyone wants to move in to take Wendy's place, and you're:

- pretty clean (both hygene wise and cleaning house-wise)
- vegetarian or close to it
- able to pay $325 per month plus utilities
- not crazy (note. If I already know and like you and I think you're crazy, then that's okay. With this clause I'm simply weeding out the unknown crazies that might kill me.)
- willing to put up with bands practicing 2-3 times a week (evenings and weekends, never later than 10:00 pm) in the basement.
- willing to be a regular contributor to the Rancho Relaxo blog
- interested in living in the awesome North End of Halifax

then let me know!

Angel of Harlem

2005-02-26T21:35:00.000-04:00

Oh, dear Wendy. Wendy dear. Don't you think you should tell everyone how your trip to New York went? This would be the perfect place to do so! Then when people ask "so, how was the trip?" You can just say "check the blog. it's all there."

Show Advert Cross-posting!

2005-02-15T16:28:00.000-04:00

As seen on truenottrue.blogspot.com: I rarely do any kind of shameless self promotion on this site, but in this case I'm prepared to make an exception:

It's going to be awesome. The Stolen Minks are hella tight these days, Esten will be bringing all the hip tunes (you may know him from Indie-Rock Dance Night and 1/2 of Yugo), and DBN will be ripping it up in our usual style.

and And AND:

My plan is to bring home-made cookies for all to enjoy.

Open Letter To Paul Greenhalgh

2005-02-12T00:22:00.000-04:00

Dear Paul,

You don't really know me; we have only met once in person and that was a brief encounter last summer at the Khyber AGM. I am writing because I feel I have some good advice for you. It has to do with a certain phrase that I understand you are promoting in the hopes that it will graduate from mere phrase to catch-phrase status. That phrase, as you may have already guessed, is "next modern".

I agree in principle that modernity needs to be taken to the next level. What comes after post modern? What's next? However, I'm not sure that "next" is an ideal choice of word. While it does contain the letter X, which does of course have an inherent sexiness to it, the fact is that "next" is an overused word. Perhaps it's because I have a background in science and computers, perhaps not. But I see "next" everywhere. "Next Generation internet apps." "Take communications/programming/gaming/whatever to the Next Level." "Star Trek: The Next Generation." Thus along with the cache of word recognition for "next" comes the stigma of the all too familiar.

Don't get me wrong. I do like the word next. On paper the term looks great. Next Modern. NeXt Modern! But then try saying it. X, T, M. Three consonants, all in a row. It sort of gets caught in the back of the mouth, doesn't it?

But what to use in its place, you ask? Apparently someone out there has coined the phrase "trans modern". While this has a certain appeal of being world-wide or universal, it doesn't give one the impression of moving forward. Advancement. "Nouveau Modern" could work, and given your personal interest Art Nouveau I'm sure it has some appeal. But again, you need to be looking toward the future, not of movements past. That's why "Fauvist Modern" isn't even on the table.

But wait a minute...toward the future did I say? The design of the future, did I not ever say? Exactly!

Paul, may I now heartily endorse the catch-phrase, and herald the beginning of a new movement known as "Future-Modernism!" It's almost a paradox: the future is now. It rolls off the tongue with ease. People will sit up and take notice. "What is this Future-Modern of which Paul Greenhalgh speaks? It piques my curiosity! I must find out more!"

You are welcome and encouraged to use the term for public lectures, in art and design journals, and wherever else you see fit. I expect no remuneration for coining the phrase, other than an autographed copy of your memoirs and free reign to explore new and exciting forms of music inspired by Future-Modern artists and to label said music the Future-Modern movement.

Hope to see you on Tuesday.

Sincerely,
Roderick Affleck
President of Northwood Ranch

Hotter than hot

2005-01-22T20:24:00.000-04:00

This will be the last entry about hotornot.com, I swear. But I had to share with everyone this guy's hotornot picture. By far THE best picture on the whole site. I want to shake this guy's hand.

http://meetme.hotornot.com/r/?emid=NLSYOQG

Best Of Ranch

2005-01-02T23:18:00.000-04:00

In a time-honoured tradition, I'm offering up a year-end review. But rather than give a top ten list of say, best albums, or movies, news events, people, I'm going to list highlights of the Northwood Ranch blog. Rancho Relaxo--we're no longer self-indulgent, we're meta-self-indulgent! Is one and a half months really enough time to justify such an exercise? We'll let you, the five regular readers of the blog, be the judges of that!

10. Have a good one!

I pontificated on the purpose of the instruction "Have a good one!" This has the dubious distinction of generating the most comments of any blog entry on the ranch site. Of course, that's partly due to the fact that one of the comments was from me, and another was an accidental duplicate comment from me. However, Thanks to Agent Kondukt, we've finally gotten to the "bottom" of the mystery behind the "good one!" statement. The answer is of course that that A) I'm hot (see #8 on this list) and B) homosexuality runs rampant in the Canadian military. And it's about time, too. Serving our country with Pride!

9. Slacks' Ditty

I have no idea where this came from, or what she was talking about. But thought provoking, yes. Wendy--care to explain? Had you been drinking that night? Were you in love?

8. Who's hot? Who's Not?

In my constant attempt to bolster my own ego, I set out to prove that even when I'm at my worst, I'm still attractive to most women. The result? I peaked at about 6.5, making me decidedly hot, before settling down to a respectable 5.5. That makes me, dressed up as "Your hung-over dad," hotter than 50% of all the men rated on hotornot.com. It makes no sense to me, although judging from the bar graph that accompanies one's rating, I suspect that the value is skewed a little bit so as not to make people depressed about how they look. Also noteworthy, two rather attractive women have both sent notice that they want to "meet" me. Whatever that means, considering they both live far, far away.

7. Snipers Anonymous

One picture. Three sentences. Everyone loves this picture, including me. Of course, posting it will no doubt raise my already high profile within the FBI.

6. Blogs are cool!

This doesn't really apply to one specific entry, rather the feeling of camaraderie and closeness we no doubt all felt when we first started this foray into online journals. We were all posting! Sharing inside jokes! Laughing and commenting on each other's entries! Those were the days. Oh, if only it was mid-November again!

5. Blogs are lame!

Again, not one specific entry. Just the feeling of indifference we now all seem to share for our poor Rancho Relaxo site. How else to explain our mutual lack of posting? How else to explain why Wendy and Rebs haven't posted in over a month? Meanwhile I've made only six posts in December, two of which were about my hot/not experiment. Lame, lame, lame!

4. Pimp Wendy's Ride

Writing about how ghetto I am while driving around in Wendy's car is almost as...uh, phat, I suppose...as actually driving around in Wendy's car. Perhaps I should get my own set of wheels. Then I'd only have to borrow Wendy's mix tapes.

3. Now We Are Three

Taking you right back to the beginning, here's where it all started, with a brief exposé of the debauchery, secrets, and in-jokes that were to follow. Oh, you folks don't know the half of what goes on around here. Okay, not much actually goes on around here per sé, it's more the conversations we have. Oh, the conversations! I could blackmail certain people, but they'd probably just blackmail me right back. It's fun having roommates. Now forget I wrote any of this.

2. The Best of Ranch

This entry that you are currently reading kicks ass. Before continuing on to the number one entry of the year, go back and read about the previous eight, and then read this one again. Repeat as necessary! (Note: It doesn't matter that it was posted in January 2005, I thought of the idea for the post last week. Unfortunately I was in dial-up land at the time and didn't really want to endure the tedium of waiting five minutes for each page to load.)

1. Underwear Everywhere!

For some reason, the subject of underwear came up more than once on this blog. It was mainly in innocent contexts, and it's about as raunchy as this blog ever got. And since stuff like that is way more titillating than breakfast eating habits, underwear gets the nod for top spot. Whether it's Rod wandering around early in the morning wearing nothing but boxers, or Rebs complaining about Rod in his underwear (even though she admits that she didn't actually see me), or Wendy's advice about dating men with fancy underwear, it seems that this vital garment has defined our online existence. Hell, I'm wearing underwear right now. I'm also wearing pants and a shirt, but that's a bit beside the point. Three cheers for underwear!

That's it for 2004. Hope you have enjoyed reading about living at the ranch as much as we enjoyed living about reading at the ranch. I know, that doesn't make sense.

disposing the evidence

2004-12-22T22:35:00.000-04:00

Tonight's topic of conversation in the kitchen:

If you had to flush a dead body down the toilet, and you decided to chop up the dead body in your blender, how many blenders full would there be before you pulverized the entire body?

ps - we're definitely talking about Wendy's blender here. There's no way I'd allow meat of any kind in my blender!

hot update

2004-12-12T23:09:00.000-04:00

What is up with people on the internet?

HOT or NOT
6.4

97 votes
Rate me!

Apparently a hungover, unshaven, unwashed dude in a bathrobe is hotter than 60% of the men on hotornot.com. In fact, my "control" picture has only garnered an 8/10 (although it has gone up as high as 9.5 on occasion, and as low as 7.7, which makes me think the whole voting system is as meaningless as American democracy)

Kind of makes you think. If I'm hotter than 60% of men when I look like shit, and hotter than 78% of men when I'm rocking out, is it really worth it to make an effort to look presentable?

I'm going to bed. And I'm not going to comb my hair when I get up.

Batter Up

2004-12-10T22:33:00.000-04:00

I used to be one of those people who absolutely hated it when a car drives by with the stereo cranked. Usually they're playing some sort of lame top 40 hip hop. It sounds completely ass, and it makes the driver of said vehicle look like a complete tool.

Well I'm a changed man. The other night after dropping Wendy off (I'll spare her the embarrassment of telling all you all where she was going for the evening) her mixed tape of hip hop was still in the deck. And did I ever get the urge to cruise down Barrington in that little Acura, the music blasting, my elbow on the window sill, and my head bobbing up and down to the music. I was feeling it. And now I get it. I understand why you need to drive around with the music so loud that it feels like your butt is getting a massage. It makes you the coolest man ever!

Try it sometime. I suggest you pick a real groovy song, the type of song where you know the girls in the video are scantily clad, and gyrating to the beat. Nelly's a good choice. Also, bring the seat really far forward (or just don't adjust it after Wendy was driving), because that way you feel like a BIG MAN. Too big for this car, baby! All that's left to do is look out the side window, and nod to people on the sidewalk. Das right, foo. My wheels they be all 'dat, and my tunes be mad pimp. Peace out, wiggaz.

Am I Hot, or Not?

2004-12-08T20:06:00.000-04:00

The answer to this and many of life's other baffling questions can now be found on the internet. Slacks and her brother are addicted to HotOrNot, an awful website that allows you to make snap judgements on whether someone is attractive or ugly, based on one lousy digital photo. So I had to join in on the fun. Naturally, I picked the most unflattering picture of myself that I could find. It was taken this past Hallowe'en at the NSCAD dance. I was dressed as "Your Hungover Dad":

And now, you too get to rate me! woohoo!

HOT or NOT
6.1

26 votes
Rate me!

no shame

2004-12-05T15:00:00.000-04:00

What are you two laughing at?

Shut up.

Shameless

2004-12-02T09:24:00.000-04:00

I'm into promoting friends' work, and this guy
is the friend I love to promote more than anyone:

http://www.shzine.com/interview-flanagan.asp

Nick Flanagan, he laughs while shaving, cuts himself
and then uses his blood to write crappy jokes that are
funnier than all of you, and make you ashamed to be
a human.

-Rebs

No need to get Snipey

2004-12-01T21:59:00.000-04:00

I spent part of my day spotting snipers. Good times, good times. Oh, and some guy came to town.

Vacation. It's all about the fake meat

2004-11-30T22:34:00.000-04:00

You wouldn't believe how many different varieties of phony meat I ate while I was away. In Toronto I had gluten "Chicken" at the Lotus Garden, possibly the best vegan Vietnamese restaurant in all of Canada, maybe the world. At Le Commensal in Montréal there was more varieties of tofu and seitan meats than I can possibly remember. And then at this little Thai place called ChuChai on rue St. Denis I had more "chicken" and "shrimp". That's right. I mention all of this to gross Rebecca out. I can only assume that if she thinks soy milk is unnatural, then fake meats must be an abomination. Oh, and here's more stuff to gross everyone out. My sweet sweet breakfast from the morning I left. Choco-Puffs in soy nog. It should come with a surgeon general's warning.

Perfect For Breakfast

2004-11-23T15:28:00.000-04:00

I ran out of soy milk today. What would a normal person do? Have toast? Borrow a roommate's regular milk? Skip breakfast or grab something at Tim's on the way to work? Maybe. But if that's what being normal is all about, I don't want any part of it.

Fortunately, Noël is fast approaching, and I happened to have some soy-nog in the fridge. And lemme tell you, soy-nog on cereal rules absolutely. Especially on sugary cereals, because sugary cereals aren't sweet enough on their own; they must be augmented by sugary beverage. And at the same price as regular soy milk, it doesn't feel like I'm throwing money away. Good-bye regular soy milk, see you in January.

4am

2004-11-19T13:42:00.000-04:00

Hello roomers, Terribly sorry about 4 am calls from Mr Fancy Pants, as I will be gone to work overnight you may wan to turn off your ringers upon retiring. I 've no idea how to prevent this from reoccuring as I can't call him to bitch him out.
G'night

Magic Blog!

2004-11-18T21:42:00.000-04:00

Okay. So last entry I write about how much I like Glenmorangie. Then I come home and there's a bottle of it sitting on the counter. I'm starting to think that maybe this blog is one of those magic talisman thingys where you type what you want, and then it happens. Let's give this a try...

Wow, I could really use a record deal for my band, and a tour van would be nice. Or at the very least some rich benefactor that is willing to throw a whole lot of money at us to make our musical dreams come true.

The last miracle only took about four hours. I'm not sure how long I should wait for this one. Maybe if I pray to the virgin grilled cheese sandwich it will happen even faster.

I am to have a good one

2004-11-18T20:26:00.000-04:00

Whenever I go to the gym on the local military base (it's not as scary as it sounds. Sure there's a few no-necked uber-buff men there, but you get that at any gym. It's just that there's more military-issue moustaches at this gym) the comissionaire always says "Have a good one!" as I enter the base. Often when I leave, the guy behind the front desk at the gym also says "Have a good one!"

I have no idea what the proper response for this command is. Is it "back at ya, dude!", or "true dat!"? I don't know. Part of the problem is I don't know what the "one" in question is. It's not a good workout, because the comossionaire doesn't know that I'm headed to the gym (and why would they say it when I leave as well?). I know it's not a beer, or he would say "Have a cold one!" It's not have a good day, because they also say it when I'm the last one to leave the gym at 11:00 at night. And why "have a good night"? Why not just "good night!"?

Anyone have any suggestions?

Thursday Afternoon Falling Asleep

2004-11-18T15:37:00.000-04:00

I didn't get trashed last night (although I did have a couple of glasses of scotch. Should I admit to liking Glenmorangie better than Laphroaig? The former tastes like chocolate and banana bread, the latter like medicine, rubber and peppermint. The choice seems obvious to me, but Laphroaig always seems to be considered classier.) but I was out way too late. Whose dumb idea was it to have an 11:00 starting time for a show on Wednesday night? And did the show organizer forget that Al Tuck was on the bill? I love that guy, but seriously, he takes for ever to get from start to finish, what with all the false (or two minute) starts to songs, tuning breaks, and muffled between song banter. The Secret were were fun, but by then I was too tired to enjoy it as much as I wanted to. And their merch is so cute even a cat wants to buy!

Speaking of cats, here's the list of things I'll miss about Tigger:

1. playing fetch
2. cat kisses
3. Muh, mew? purr. purr.
4. snuggling in bed and he actually stays put for a while.
5. him sleeping on my lap while I rub his ears.

Things I won't miss:

1. ow, quit digging your claws into my stomach!
2. ass in my face in the middle of the night.
3. whine whine WHINE!
4. sniff. sniff. sneeze.
5. he only wanted to hang out with Rebecca anyway. Seriously, Tigger developed a really big crush on her this past week.

Hope to see you soon, stinkbutt.

rules

2004-11-18T13:08:00.000-04:00

Note to self: Do not practice salsa dancing in living room without first pulling down blinds as it leads to giving free salsa lessons to pimp on front porch. Pimp is good dancer.
Additional note: Never date guy who wears fancier underwear than you.

Two notes are in no way related.

ditty

2004-11-17T14:15:00.000-04:00

The stars at night are big and bright****deep in the heart of Texas. That's it and that's all.

Underwear

2004-11-17T13:06:00.000-04:00

If that Evil Robot Boy walks across the hall in his
knicker-pants one more time....

How gauche. He must've been born in a barn. And
he eats with his elbows on the table

Tuesday morning coming down

2004-11-16T09:10:00.000-04:00

Don't get trashed on monday nights, ever.
No, wait. Get trashed every monday night.

With a hangover, your thoughts will be concentrated, enabling
your work productivity to increase, making
those around you proud.

Do remember to
change your shirt though, elsewise you will
emanate a smoky party atmosphere to those
around you, and they will resent you for it
because they are jealous

To my fellow NT Ranchers:
I will be home
at some juncture
in the next few days.

I'm the roommate that eats macaroni and cheese
and then leaves her pot in the sink. There is a
special circle of hell for people like me.

-Rebs

New Stuff!

2004-11-13T20:25:00.000-04:00

One of the best things about getting a new roommate is that there's all this additional cool stuff in the house. For example, when Wendy moved in, suddenly there's a rice cooker/vegetable steamer, and an asian style table where you sit on pillows on the floor. Now that Rebecca's moved in, the household has a kickass crowbar, a crappy violin that makes the most excellent screeches, and an awesome lamp made out of a white plastic flower pot and lite-brite style pegs.

Sweet. I'm off to do some prying. Later, cats.

vice trinity

2004-11-13T18:51:00.000-04:00

Ahh, our first night together,my cheap wine,robot boy at stage nine, rebs feelin fine, listen to tigger whine...I love Calvin Kline, okay time to stop this line. The pimp across the street apparently has my back, whether this is good or not I'm not sure.
slacks

Now We Are Three

2004-11-12T22:16:00.000-04:00

Rebs moved in. We all got drunk. The end.

According to Rebecca, if people cross paths in this house, Halifax will sink.